My random blog thing

Im feeling terrible today, got a day off school. Coughing my lungs up. I feel like utter crap, must ask, is coughing up flecks of blood healthy? I guess not. Im sure ill be ok. So i'm here bored playing on chomputer and watching Scrubs. i just wanna hug . Eh whatever i gotta go into school tomorrow for a physics exam. Wish me luck ok? cya l8r.

Just thought id put it as its the only marginally interesting thing that happened to me. I took the £20 ive been saving to school, for no reason really. But it turns out the school is doing a charity raffle for some heart foundation thing. So what the hey, i threw the money in their box, they refused to let me just give it em and gave me..... wait for it... 200 tickets! You can win like holidays and dvd players and stuff. So lol, lets see how that turns out.

Yeah im chilling out at my mate simon's house eating random sweets and drinking a can of rockstar. Shit's been pretty bad at school, but no worse than usual. My brother has lost his job again, so he's allways upset drunk or asleep. At least my mum is happy, but obsessive about David,( im sure ive mentioned him in my blog, but whatever) Somtimes i feel limke i can only chill out and be myself when im with simon. He's an awesome guy. Sorry all that have been trying to get me to stop, i cut my wristy again, not bad. But enough to make me feel guilty . Ill try to talk again soon.

Sorry. I just keep getting lot on my mind and completely forgot about my blog. I only remembered it when Libby ( one of my friends on this [Quick wave to you Libby if you be reading this ] sent me a message) I keep doing this, I get distracted by things and stop thinking about my blog. Despite the fact i like writing in it. Quick update. Ive done my year 10 early entry GCSE's. and school has made me a prefect, thats not bad. i havent hurt myself since i said so earlier. but that still doesnt mean im feeling great. not by a long shot. but hey, i'm slugging my way through each day. but either way. Ill update when i have somthin to update with. bye

I don't like it. I don't like how i act and feel like when i cut myself. so ive decided. im stopping, completely. Ive thrown my razors away. I hate the scars on my wrist, i just hope they'll fade soon. But no crappy cutting down, im just stopping. Wish me luck. On a different subject, kierans still fucked up. Things are still shitty at school. i just hope that now ive decided to stop hurting my self my outlook at school will change and shit will get better. Also, i went to air cadets last night, they were stupid enough to give us bows and arrows, it was damn near a massacre. Nothing to do with me of course . ill talk again soon.

great, kieran is going psycho. i sincerely think he is have a breakdown. slamming stuff around, screaming, crying. He never cries. Apparently he just feel like everything is just stacking up on him, each little thing would be ok if it were on its own, but he just feels buried by it, i can empathies. he's a mess,It's just not good. No doubt he's feeling shit but it just feels like i cannot escape my own shitness. maybe it would help if we shared our shitty feelings. but maybe not. but basically two (no doubt failed) exams at school and a screaming brother at home dont help my own self esteem; and make me feel like i can't find anywhere to escape to. so another set of bleeding cuts on my wrist. and i feel seriously selfish in doing those cuts, which really doesnt make me feel great either. hurray for self pity.

here we go. ive got about half an hour before i leave the house and have to go to that hellhole called a school. I spose everyone feels this way before school (or work as well) on a monday. you just want to hide under your duvet and die lol. well hooray for coco pops at least. well ill post again later. semper fidelis. im not quite sure what it means but it sounds cool.

Well. my brother is at work. my mum wont be back from David's till about 5pm. im currently bored out of my mind and rather lonely. ive been practicing my knife game. you know the one where you put your hand on the table and you stab between the fingers. im getting very good at it. i stopped when i nicked my finger though lol. so ive been playing xbox and im currently watching the movies ghostbusters from 1994. either way, ill add another post tommorow or maybe tonight if anythng decent happens.

Woah this is weird. As i said in one of my earlier entries, i stayed up all last night for the hell of it. Ive stayed up all night before, but something weirds going on. Everything feels funny and i cant think clearly, i feel like my limbs are hollow yet weighing me down, and my body is filled with cotton wool. This really is quite surreal. at least i don't feel sick anymore, i've just drunk about four glasses of water.
Can't go to sleep yet, i might miss doctor who . go me. 1 more point for the geeks. either way. that is today's entry. i've got some serious munchies. bye guys

This song really touched me, sitting here watching pirates of the Caribbean and drinking some coffee at 3 am. it really struck a chord with me. to fight opression and stand up for what you believe in and not be bullied.

"Hands Held High" by Linkin Park

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"