My random blog thing

I don't like it. I don't like how i act and feel like when i cut myself. so ive decided. im stopping, completely. Ive thrown my razors away. I hate the scars on my wrist, i just hope they'll fade soon. But no crappy cutting down, im just stopping. Wish me luck. On a different subject, kierans still fucked up. Things are still shitty at school. i just hope that now ive decided to stop hurting my self my outlook at school will change and shit will get better. Also, i went to air cadets last night, they were stupid enough to give us bows and arrows, it was damn near a massacre. Nothing to do with me of course . ill talk again soon.

great, kieran is going psycho. i sincerely think he is have a breakdown. slamming stuff around, screaming, crying. He never cries. Apparently he just feel like everything is just stacking up on him, each little thing would be ok if it were on its own, but he just feels buried by it, i can empathies. he's a mess,It's just not good. No doubt he's feeling shit but it just feels like i cannot escape my own shitness. maybe it would help if we shared our shitty feelings. but maybe not. but basically two (no doubt failed) exams at school and a screaming brother at home dont help my own self esteem; and make me feel like i can't find anywhere to escape to. so another set of bleeding cuts on my wrist. and i feel seriously selfish in doing those cuts, which really doesnt make me feel great either. hurray for self pity.

here we go. ive got about half an hour before i leave the house and have to go to that hellhole called a school. I spose everyone feels this way before school (or work as well) on a monday. you just want to hide under your duvet and die lol. well hooray for coco pops at least. well ill post again later. semper fidelis. im not quite sure what it means but it sounds cool.

Well. my brother is at work. my mum wont be back from David's till about 5pm. im currently bored out of my mind and rather lonely. ive been practicing my knife game. you know the one where you put your hand on the table and you stab between the fingers. im getting very good at it. i stopped when i nicked my finger though lol. so ive been playing xbox and im currently watching the movies ghostbusters from 1994. either way, ill add another post tommorow or maybe tonight if anythng decent happens.

Woah this is weird. As i said in one of my earlier entries, i stayed up all last night for the hell of it. Ive stayed up all night before, but something weirds going on. Everything feels funny and i cant think clearly, i feel like my limbs are hollow yet weighing me down, and my body is filled with cotton wool. This really is quite surreal. at least i don't feel sick anymore, i've just drunk about four glasses of water.
Can't go to sleep yet, i might miss doctor who . go me. 1 more point for the geeks. either way. that is today's entry. i've got some serious munchies. bye guys

This song really touched me, sitting here watching pirates of the Caribbean and drinking some coffee at 3 am. it really struck a chord with me. to fight opression and stand up for what you believe in and not be bullied.

"Hands Held High" by Linkin Park

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

Okie pokey. where to start. Caitlin's got big, she's on solids now which is nice. beautiful auburn hair still. uhh Kieren is still with sarah, but it seems like its one minute their arguing and hate each other, next their have very very loud sex upstairs.... Ive joined The local air cadets to make some new friends (because i feel isolated and bullied at school, but that is not for now) Im doing my mock exams. they suck. My mum's found a nice bloke, she's staying over at his tonight actually, called Dave, he's an alright guy. ive started cutting my wrists again, thats not good either... ummm. what else. grant alex is back in touch, and sounds as emotionally fucked up as me right now. how perfect.... yeah. thats about it. that's just bringing you all up to date as of last time before i disappeared. i currently have one friend on my list and he hasnt been on this for months either, so invite me as a friend and i will most likely accept. I need all the ones i can get. Tally ho! im staying up all night.
need coffee.
heres a cool song.

hey guys. if any of you remember me, you have a better memory than i do. Ive been going through some rough shit lately, and ive been afdvised to start a diary. so this sounded like a half decent excuse to start this again. i hope I stick at it this time. ill talk in some more deatail later